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Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Wed Dec 28, 2011 7:44 am
by ace
So true^

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Wed Jan 04, 2012 8:17 am
by The Cookie Monster
So an 80 year man is visiting a doctor.

The 80 year old man: "Doctor, Doctor! Something terribly strange has happened! My 28 year old wife is pregnant, what's your opinion Doctor?"
Doctor: "Let me tell you a story. A hunter in a hurry grabs an umbrella instead of the gun. He moves into the jungle, sees a lion, lifts the umbrella, pulls the handle and... BANG... The lion drops dead!"
The old man: "Thats impossible! someone else must have shot the lion!"

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Sat Feb 04, 2012 9:54 am
by The Cookie Monster
This is a GOOD one :
A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.

The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.

'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans,' he replies.

'Put them back, we can't afford them,' demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.

'It's my face cream. It makes me look sexy and beautiful for you when we're making love,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser ... at half the price.'

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Mon Feb 06, 2012 9:39 am
by The Cookie Monster
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.

There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"

The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another and then another.

Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back and said,

"OK, I give up. Where's the f**k ship?"

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Wed Feb 22, 2012 9:39 am
by The Cookie Monster
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!"

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Fri Feb 24, 2012 1:19 am
by The Cookie Monster
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "Dad, where did my intelligence come from?" The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine."

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Sun Mar 18, 2012 2:45 pm
by The Cookie Monster
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"


PostPosted: Sat Apr 21, 2012 9:29 am
by The Cookie Monster
‎"I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find dad staring at him every time. ;

When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.

"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.""

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Wed May 09, 2012 1:07 pm
by The Cookie Monster
There was a blonde, a redhead and a brunette. They all decided to go to the bar and hey got fake IDs because they were underage. So they go in and the bartender knows they are underage so he calls the cops. The redhead informs the girls that the bartender has called the cops and they have to leave.
So they go out the back door and they see a barn.
They go inside and the redhead notices 3 potato sacks on the floor.
She tell this girls to each hide in a potato sack.
Then the police arrive in the bar, and the bartender takes them out back to look around.
They go into the barn and look everywhere.
One cop says "they might be in those potato sacks."
So he kicks the first one containing the redhead and hears "woof woof". That's a dog, he thinks to himself.
He kicks the second bag containing the brunette and hears "meow, meow" Well that must be a cat, he thinks.
Finally, he kicks the last bag containing the blonde and hears in a slow voice "po.. ta.."

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2013 12:48 pm
by The Cookie Monster
Lady: Do you smoke?
Man: Yes
Lady: How many packs a day?
Man: 3 packs
Lady: How much per pack
Man: £10.00
Lady: And how long have you been smoking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: If in 1 year you spend £10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your spending at £162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't smoked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you smoke?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your f**king Ferrari then?

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Mon Mar 18, 2013 11:51 am
by The Cookie Monster
There's a blonde. She enters a laughing contest. There's 10 levels to the contest. She gets to the 9th level and bursts into laughter. The host asks her "Why did you laugh, you could have won." The blonde reply's, "I finally got the first joke."

Re: The Jokes Thread.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 06, 2013 1:55 pm
by The Cookie Monster
A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband says, "What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?" A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, the car won't start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" He says: "What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?" Another few days go by, and it's raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He says, "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. "Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them," she says. "Great! How much is that going to cost me?" he snarls. Wife says: "Nothing. He said he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him." "Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?" asks the husband. "What do I look like," she says, "Betty Crocker?"